Life is what we make it

“Life is a box of chocolates”. A line made famous by Forrest Gump who defined life and its seemingly immeasurable unpredictability. Forrest Gump is known to have a very strong and rough personality. Ironically, there is an apparent sweetness in Forrest Gump’s definition of life. His words about life, somehow reassured people despite its endless rain of good and bad surprises. Could there be other things in this world that we can compare life with?

Personally, I see life as a box of clay. I don’t get to receive a box of chocolates every day in my life. Most of the time, I receive a box of clay instead. When I was a child, I remember my mom had to leave me for work. I don’t recall her trying to straighten my understanding of her surprising decision. All I can remember is that she needed to work for us. My comprehension of her statement didn’t seem to make sense and so I blamed myself because of her need to leave. Because of that, I had sleepless nights and endless tears trickling on my face every time she would leave the house. The picture of my mom bidding goodbye is so vivid that I would repeatedly smack my head, hoping that it would help me get rid of the painful memory. If Forrest Gump would have showed up in front of me during that time, he would have probably described the experience as a box of bitter chocolates and I would have probably refuted the statement and changed it. I would have said that the experience was a box of clay and that I needed to make something out of that unpleasant event.

As a child trying to find a place in the world, I didn’t exactly know what that experience was for. I thought it was intricately plotted just to make me feel bad. I thought my mom was punishing me because I was such a hard-headed kid. However, reminiscing about the experience sent me to a sudden realization. It was the very first box of clay I received. Without knowing it, I made something out of that clay inside the box instead of just crying over it. I molded the pieces of clay into something that I could hold on to while I was waiting for my mom. I created a piece out of the clays that strengthened my faith of positive possibilities. I made the box of clay into a superman figure which always reminded me to be strong and never let the bleakness of life take over me. I should say that it was my very first masterpiece. I learned to believe that wherever my mom was at that time, she was thinking about me and soon would find her way back to his little boy’s arm.

Life is defined by how we make of it, just like a piece of clay turned into a masterpiece.  I could’ve made a gloomy statue of myself when my mom left me but I did otherwise. I did something that inspired me and motivated me to live every second of my life in the state of euphoria regardless of how enigmatic my situation was. Doing so helped me get my feet back on the ground and allowed me to enjoy my life as a kid. The molding process starts not from the hands but from the mind. The childhood experience I mentioned made me feel so hopeless causing me to cry a river of tears however, somewhere in that sorrow I found a way to get strength from my inner self. I was not aware of it when I was a child, but at the back of my mind I knew I had to live my life the way I should without my mom by my side. I would’ve lived a very sad childhood life and I would’ve thrown the box of clay out the window but I didn’t. Instead, I made something out of it.

Until now, I still hold on to my own view of life. It is a box filled with millions of clays that soon will turn into the grandest masterpiece. Life is defined by the actions we take and the decisions we make just like an artist who decides what should his art look like or what techniques he should use. I believe that we are all artists and that we have this box of clays in our hands. Is there a situation in your life today that you are struggling with? This is your box of clay. What can you do to mold these pieces of clay that will lead to your happiness? The choice is yours.

I am proud to be a Filipino

Photo taken from: porschelaine.wordpress.com

Changing the channel on TV with such haste without even giving a chance for the sound to reach my ears has been an automatic response whenever I find myself caught between the History channel and a channel that talks too much about cars. For a moment I thought as I was laying comfortably on my bed, I would fall asleep because of my fingers endless pursuit for a good show on TV, but I stood corrected. I came across a news flash reporting about a typhoon that seemed to have duplicated Typhoon Ondoy’s devastating intensity. The typhoon’s name was Sendong and it surprisingly shook the silent living of our countrymen down south. Upon looking at the images caught by the news media, I was convinced that once again, a typhoon visit caused another mind-blowing casualty in our country.

I forced a smile on my face while I saw people on TV weeping for their loss of loved ones. I gave a forceful sigh of relief as pictures of houses brought down to the ground, trees uprooted from the soil and dead bodies dumped into one place, flashed before my eyes. You’re may be asking where exactly from this world did I get the guts to smile or even show relief, when I could clearly see depression painted on people’s faces and an apparent tableau of destruction in my home land. Well, before you incite a riot against me, let me say that I did not smile because I find pleasure in people’s misfortune. The reason I drew a smile on my face was because I firmly believe that we, Filipinos, are far beyond resiliency to be able to surpass seemingly insurmountable challenges in life. I have complete faith in us that we would somehow get through any road block with flying colors, one way or another. I have the confidence that we would find peace and refuge in the presence of pain as we begin to rebuild our lives. This value of resiliency and strength makes me proud as a Filipino. 

Another reason why I should write the words “I am proud to be a Filipino” on my forehead is our generosity towards the needs of other people. The short but destructive visit of Typhoon Sendong meant a total loss to the affected ones, including loss of shelter and basic needs. However, it did not take long before donations coming from our countrymen in different walks of life poured in like water gushing from a dam. This act of generosity gave a hand to the victims in pushing themselves further into a fresh start, one step at a time. In fact, not only did we show sincere generosity in terms of giving assistance but we also portrayed our faithfulness in the higher-power by offering prayers, asking God to bestow healing, abundance and fruitfulness upon the victims of the calamity. This may be the reason why despite the aftermath of the typhoon, most of them were able to find ways to celebrate Christmas and New Year at the simplest manner. Having the chance to witness how we respond to challenges and how we rise above any difficulty, I couldn’t be more proud to call myself as a Filipino.

Every time I look around and listen to what other people say about Filipinos and how they label us as a human being, I get hurt. Nevertheless, I realized in the long run that we all have something to be ashamed of. Americans, Chinese, Europeans, Australians all have their own flaws. I just noticed that people would rather look at other people’s imperfections for the sake of masking their own insecurities. They would rather make fun of other people instead of accepting the fact that no one in this world was created to be perfect. I admit that we, Filipinos have our very own negative values like other people from the other parts of the world but in the contrary, we also have positive values that we can be proud of. We are resilient, generous and God-fearing and I must say, these qualities are the qualities that make me incredibly proud to be a Filipino.

Distinct Happiness

The sun still had a long journey towards the other side of the world when I was already making my way home from school. I can't find any reason to love the heat unless you put me on a beach with a smoothie in my hand as the sea breeze blowing on my face. Two things I was craving for at the time were two glasses of cold water and a nap. 

As these thoughts thrilled my feet to get home, a classmate of mine who missed classes for the day came my way. I looked down and pretended I didn't see him because I was hankering to go home so bad I became impervious that even if Scarlet Johansson appears in front of me, I wouldn't give a glance. At a moment, I was wishing he didn't see me but what a stroke of luck? (with a sarcastic tone on the side), he called my attention. We exchanged hi's and hello's, gave up a few minutes to talk a little while then we parted ways afterwards. 



As I turned to the original direction that I was heading, two girls came rushing at me as they screamed my name on top of their lungs. For a second, I asked myself how I became an instant celebrity when I haven't uploaded any videos on YouTube yet. In between the apparent shock that masked my face and these girls excitement to see me, I considered the fact that I wasn't ready to handle shrieking fans longing for my signature. However, the dream that I thought was being brought to life suddenly turned to nothing but a mere fantasy. The last time I was as delusional was way back in my childhood days when I firmly believed that I could someday be like Superman.
 

Anyway, I recognized the girls faces and realized that they were a few of my closest friends in my former school. Duh??? Who else could it be??? Anyhow, our laughters took in charge for a while as I pictured how our faces looked like when we saw each other. 

We did act a little silly out there in public but it was funny. 


I couldn't ask for a better moment than that.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FLASHBACK:


Two years ago, I decided to stop my schooling and get a job. It meant leaving my closest friends behind consequently marking a scar on me but I didn't mind. In retrospection, it's still very clear to me how I've made up mind so quickly disregarding any feelings I could feel once I seal the deal. I knew what I had to do and any sort of emotions couldn't be more insignificant at the time.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I didn't dwell too much on where my memory drove me and just brushed it off my shoulders. 

I chose to enjoy the unplanned reunion which I sometimes dream of every time the clock strikes "boredom" in one of my classes or I get caught in traffic.

I was light-headed since I got off the bus and all I wanted to do was get some z's but these two people crossed my path out of nowhere and from then on, never did I remember what I was craving for in the first place.
 
They were Jheng and Majoy, two of my closest friends in my former school. We chatted and didn't actually care about the world for awhile. I told them Ange wanted us and the others to hang around on Saturday. I mentioned I was free and it would be better if they could come as well. 

I don't remember what their response was to the invitation but I guess, at the time, their response didn't matter to me because I just wanted to hear from them. What's going on in their lives and what's keeping them busy.

There are situations in my life where I don't like hearing or even thinking of the word "INEVITABLE" and as much as I wanted to prevent it, it did happen. We said our goodbyes and went our separate ways. They had a class to go to and I had to go home.

Nevertheless, I couldn't stop myself from smiling, why wouldn't I? 

It was one of those moments where the sun was nothing but a big ball of nuisance and someone or a group of people suddenly pops out from nowhere and shifts your mood instantly.

"Erwin and Friends" (our group name which I did not come up with, honestly), has been through the ups and downs of college life together. We supported each other. We were there for each other. We laughed, talked and did all the silly things one could ever imagine. We always make it simple when we hang out. Knowing that we'll have another round of non-stop stories and jokes to tell, is enough to have the best day ever. We didn't have to go to high-end places to have fun, we create the fun wherever we are.

We no longer see each other that often but every time we get the chance to do so, a distinct kind of happiness strikes me that I don't get to feel with others. I mean I am satisfied with my new friends right now but I think nothing beats the friends I was with during my two years stay in my former school. They know me as a person. They respect me the way I respect them.We may have had a couple of misunderstandings here and there but it made us who we are right now.

I no longer wish to turn back time.

Why wish for the impossible to happen when I can duplicate moments of the past; make it more memorable and more fun.

(image taken from: http://www.politicsofwellbeing.com/2008/10/happiness-show.html)

When his tears fell

     When his tears fell, the man sitting on cloud nine seemed to have become a fallen angel from the bright firmament of the earth. He was comfortably resting on his bed, turned to his door while earphones plugged into his ears. He was aware of the deafening silence despite the music playing on his head. The bleakness of the night crept all over his body as his room shaded pitch-dark led him to recall the last time tears wet his face. As fragments of the past and frustrations of today flashed before his eyes, his tears ran down like bullets. He was sad, upset and most probably depressed. All these emotions compressed into a ball, rolling into an endless platform in his chest.

     It was weird though because at that point, he didn't think of ceasing his tears. He decided to let it flow as if it would ran out in a few seconds. For some reason, his tears continued to fall and then I realized, he wanted to sob. He found himself helpless for a moment and figured, maybe, shedding his tears was the only way to rid himself from misery. At his best, he tried to recall the last time he cried, but as he wiped his tears away, his energy to think came along with it. His left hand felt the tears and they were as cold as ice. Nevertheless, what his feeling could never get any colder.

     When his tears fell,  he felt as lonely as the only man living on earth. No friends. No family. Just himself against the empty world. Thoughts of getting rich or powerful came into play but were quickly devoured by logic subsequently reinforcing  the heaviness in his head.


    When his tears fell, he prayed. He thanked God for the blessings and for the tears. He believed that tears are symbolic representations of a human being's emotions. If a man doesn't cry, therefore, he doesn't have an emotion. A man may cry because of happiness, sadness or fear. He was talking to God like he was his friend. His best friend. It never hit his mind to utter a complaint because he made a vow. A vow to never blame God for any cause of his grief.


     When his tears fell, time froze. Normally, he would look forward to the next day and what awaits him, but this time, tomorrow appeared to be insignificant as if it didn't have any value to him at all.

     When his tears fell, every song playing to his ears were the saddest songs as if they were composed to flood tears in his eyes.


     When his tears fell, the world stopped for a minute giving him time to evaluate his life, to see how far he has gone and to look at who he has become. He wished he could take a picture and show it to people. To finally unmask his face and let them know what truly goes through his mind and what is really behind that smile. Another set of tears came rolling down as reality hit him. He realized a sad truth. The truth that he couldn't make people care.


     His last tear dropped as the night brought him to sleep. His eyes were tired and so as his brain but there was a feeling of peace somewhere in his heart. A relaxing silence that drew a smile on his face. His body was resting but his mind was still running. After riding the roller coaster of emotions, he was happy. Despite a few realizations, he knew he had to continue to live until the higher power gives him the red light to stop. Life really is a battlefield, he thought, and crying is one way of healing one's wounds taken from battle.

(image taken from: http://eachdrop.wordpress.com/tag/tears/)

Ben Breedlove: How he convinced me that miracles do happen

Everybody goes through a bad day.

A day so bad that wearing a smile is as hard as carrying a bag of dumb bells stacked on your shoulders. Most of the time, we found ourselves sailing through the motions as if getting ambushed by stress and pain is no different than facing otherwise. However, hurt and distress inevitably runs along side a distressing day which usually caused our cursing and frowning. 

Whenever I find myself caught by all the factors that result to an awful day, I always hope for an inspiration or a motivation that may not completely brush all the negative dusts away but at least make me feel a little better. After all the constant hoping and praying, I'd find objects with statements or sayings engraved on them that will shift my mood from an "unhappy camper" to "a boy with a new toy".

Objects like a billboard that says "Smile", a shirt worn by a stranger saying "Love one another", a TV show filled with humor like Modern Family or a pink thermos in the kitchen that says

"To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream;not only plan but also believe"

Yes, that's right, we have a pink thermos at home (color chosen by my youngest sister of course) that has that statement printed on it which I just found out a few days ago. Well, the thermos has been doing its kitchen duties for weeks now and one morning as I was enjoying a nice hot cup of coffee, the side of the thermos with the saying written on it was staring at me, which would explain my discovery of its mere existence telling me to dream and believe.

Anyway, I was supposed to write about these objects that can inspire people but then as I was a click away from starting a new blog post, an article from Yahoo caught my attention. 

It was one of those videos that went viral on YouTube. I have a little interest on videos growing notoriously because sometimes it's either about people wanting to be famous or those people trying to be funny. On the other hand, this one is different. 

The video was uploaded by a teenager named Ben Breedlove on December 18, 2011 who suffered a heart condition called Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy. He introduces himself in the video and what he has been going through all his life with this heart ailment with words written on pieces of papers. He raises every paper one after the other with an acoustic music of "Mad World" playing on the background.

His face showed no marks of fear or anxiety. He seemed to be at peace. He would smile in some parts of the video as if he wasn't going through something that could easily take away his life in a matter of minutes.

Nevertheless, I have gotten to know his inspiring story one paper at a time and has convinced me that miracles do happen. He has narrated how he saw what I personally think is heaven and how peace dominated him at the time which was the part that made me smile. He didn't want to leave that place but then, he woke up and found himself in the last place he remembered he was.

On the night of Christmas, he passed away leaving the world with his encouraging words that will undoubtedly be engraved on every people's heart.

He reminded me that life is short and that no matter how short life is, we are given a million chances to straighten up our lives and to live each day with endless joy. He taught me that peace is the greatest feeling a man could ever have, for peace frees us from worries and doubts. Ben taught me to hold on to what I believe and be firm with it. Ben pointed out the power of faith.

I strongly believe that he is now in a better and safer place. Though we don't know each other but through the video, I feel like I have known him all my life. I am thankful that I came across this article about him and I know it's not a coincidence. It was meant to happen to remind me that life is precious. Life's description that most of us take for granted.

If you guys wish to see the video, you could go straight to YouTube and type "Ben Breedlove". He uploaded two separate videos, Part 1 and Part 2. Once you finished watching the videos, I am sure you will be inspired like you've never been inspired before.

To help you out, here are the links that can direct you straight to Ben's videos.

PART 1 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tmlTHfVaU9o

PART 2 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4LSEXsvRAI&feature=related

Let's pray for Ben and take a lesson from what he has been through and try to live with it.

God bless everyone and as what Ellen DeGeneres says every night, "Love one another".

A Christmas Tree: Mirror of my past

I turned the key to unlock the gate as the dogs greet me at my entrance. Actually, I could hardly tell  if they were barking at me or at a cat sneaking through our backyard again but either way, I couldn't care less. Our dogs bark all the time. Whenever the water delivery guy turns up at the gate, they bark at them so loud they were ready to tear the guy apart into pieces. When a strayed cat who unfortunately finds its way to the backyard pass by their cage, they would freak out and run around their pen which would seem as if they just had 12 cups of coffee.

Anyway, my mom peeked through the window and rushed to the door as soon as she saw me came in. I thought it was going to be the same old tableau of a lonely, spacious living room that would welcome me, but to my surprise, it wasn't. A 7 ft. tall Christmas tree standing by the window near the door, covering an amount of space in the living room, altered the look of the house.  In my head I said, "Finally! People will stop thinking that we hate Christmas!".


In our former house, we didn't get the chance to decorate every Christmas because of a few issues with the people we were living with and predicaments popping out from nowhere. So every time Christmas approaches, our neighbors would always illuminate the darkness of the night by their colorful Christmas lights, intricately placed on their doors and window panes subsequently living our house in the dusk of the streets. I was convinced that passersby assume that we're not celebrating Christmas because of our house's apparent display of invisible Christmas lights and decorations.


I guess that is one of the many memories that hit me when I glanced at the Christmas tree. A memory that I wish I could permanently bury in the past. Suddenly, I realized that it wasn't just a Christmas tree. It's a mirror. A mirror of my past.


The Christmas tree sent me back to the place in the past where my family was surrounded by insolent and pretentious people who never got tired of trying to put us down. We were not in our place to fight back and so all I could do was to take everything in. We took everything they said as if all words were true even if its not. It was only me, my mom, my youngest sister and my step-dad against these shark-infested world.  I wanted to stand-up and do something but I knew it wouldn't do me or my family any good so I tried my hardest to shut up. We would always turn out to be the bad guys at the end of the day anyway so what's the use. Basically, we were living in an abnormal life back then where we had to be careful with our every move or it could be used against us. An argument may start if we play music or turn on the TV and we could get shouted at if we laugh at a joke. Obviously, it was a gruesome life to live. 


Despite these bitter memories, the tree tells me something about our abilities. Our ability to surpass every life challenges, ability to be resilient in every storm and the ability to remain faithful in the presence of hopelessness. I never thought we could never change our lives. I never thought we could get out from that prison and I never thought there could be no Christmas tree standing in our living room. However, all these thoughts were proven wrong. We were able to move out and start a new life. We were able to bring ourselves out from a seemingly endless misery and the best part for me is that we were able to buy a Christmas tree which now stands in our living room reminding me of a never ending possibilities of life.

I am a citizen of STI. I am an agent of change.

"All of us here in this room have hopes, not just for ourselves, not just for our families and for our loved ones but also for our country. Unfortunately though, the people we've elected into power can't do it all by themselves, they need our help too. And I got this from my brother, change should begin from within. That's where it starts. I mean, it doesn't have to be big. It can be really simple but the important thing is that each of us( I am guilty of a lot of stuff too), makes the change first from within. It starts with one. It starts with just one person and before you know it, that one becomes two and two becomes four and then before you know it, we are in heaven."

                                                                     

Judging the quote itself, it would seem as if this was spoken by a smart and concerned political leader of our nation. Someone we assume to be an apparent advocate of change. However, it may not be surprising to know that these words were delivered by Ms. Leah Salonga. I intended to download the song "The Journey" from the internet but for some reason the one that I was able to download includes her short-speech speaking about change. What she mentioned with reference to change completely makes sense to me. When I heard this commentary from her for the first time, it made me realized one thing. This "change" that most of us have been yearning for to take place, is the unified fragments of every individual’s selfless decisions in life for the society. If each and everyone will come to a single realization of how this seemingly impossible dream can come true then as what Lea Salonga puts it, we will all be living in heaven. The invention of a plane came from a man's decision to explore the place beyond his boundaries. In fact, everything that was invented which we are taking advantage of during this time, all came from a dream, followed by the will that was put into action then the will drove the hands to put all these dreams into reality.

   How can a student like me be part in turning the society's desired dream into reality? I can be part of it by being a leader. In the past, I have been living my life clinging to a wrong definition of "leadership". I thought being a leader was someone who barks commands to his followers, someone who doesn't do anything but tell people what to do. I thought living a life of leadership was easy. Nevertheless, my experiences in life helped me see and understand things right. These experiences allowed me to understand what leadership truly is and how it is applied in real life. Now I know that I do not have to be someone in power to be a leader. Being a leader is simply a choice. A choice to serve not ourselves but other people. A selfless initiative to do what is right. This act is something I know can contribute towards the development of my community and my country.

This may sound cliche but let me tell you anyway that being a leader means following rules and regulations. It is a very simple act of ethical behavior. It is so simple that most of us would rather go against it instead of committing to it. It is so simple that we think that violating rules and regulations sometimes wouldn’t hurt at all. As an agent of change, I will not have this kind of mind set. Instead, I will lead the people around me by doing what is right. I will follow the policies of my school, traffic rules and regulations and what have you. I will do this not because I want to impress people but because I know it is the right thing to do. Being a leader means knowing my responsibilities and obligations as a student, a son and a Filipino citizen. I am aware that I have to study hard to make my parents proud and provide a better life for my family in the future. At the same time, I am doing this to give a hand to my country. The hands maintaining the stability of my country is clearly not enough as we can see on the news nowadays. My hands may not be the hands of superman but just to know the fact that I have contributed something for my country makes me proud as a Filipino.

If there's one thing I would change in order for us to achieve national development and progress, I would change the attitude of the people. I think one of the many reasons why we still haven’t achieved this dream is because of the people’s mind set towards themselves, their lives, and the society. Some of us put all the blame to the government, some of us blame other people for the lives we are currently living now, others would rather be passive in everything that is happening around them. These acts are obviously the reason why we are stuck in this present situation. We complain too much but we lack action to do something about the issue. If we desire to change the face of this country and if we are truly longing to rise from this adversity, we need to act positively and appropriately in order to achieve this. We cannot easily change how the people in the government run this country but there’s one thing we can definitely change and that is ourselves. We know who we are and we know the things we need to change in our lives. It is just a matter of deciding and committing to change.

As I was writing this essay, another realization came to me. The acts I have listed in order for me to hand out something for my country is not a headlong solution. I don’t expect this country to change in 10 years time through this. I don’t expect everybody to follow me with this advocacy. However, there are two things I know for sure. I will be able to influence enough people to do their part in making a difference. The second thing is, I wouldn’t be any prouder because I have fulfilled my purpose for my country. So when is the best time to be an agent of change you may ask, well, the best time is, today.

(This is my essay entry for my school's essay writing competition)

I am the worst grandson

I wasn't excited to be back. 

I was even more concerned about the take home quiz that I need to finish tonight.

Was there something to be excited about? 

A question that came in as I took my breakfast.

I didn't even give an effort in thinking about what I'd wear.

I just picked my favorite stylish shorts and a simple shirt. Wore my sleepers and I was ready to go.

I just wanted to go because I didn't want my mom to go alone by herself.

Antipolo is my birthplace. The place where I've seen how hard life could become, how families struggle to make ends meet and how loneliness could make you the saddest person in the world and I guess because of that, I didn't really have a lot of nice memories growing up in the place of my birth. I had my friends but I was still lonely. Every time I'd get back home from playing outside, I knew loneliness would haunt me back again. You see when I was a child, my mom had to leave for work. I'd remember my grandparents trying to make me understand why mom had to leave. I believe I knew why but I couldn't hold my tears back when mom would step out of the door and bid me goodbye. It'd be the saddest moment in my life every time.


I remember, I would cry as she disappeared from my sight. Then I knew at that moment in time, it would be long before she comes back again. Having that thought ran around in circles, it has squeezed every tear out of my eyes. My grandma would use to calm me down, wipe my tears off my cheeks  and comforted me until I stopped crying. 

The absence of my tears didn't mean the absence of my loneliness. It was still present and alive.


The sun was up so high and I couldn't take the heat. 


As the tricycle went up to an incline, every memory of that path came in to play. I'd remember the place where I used to get scared every night. The place where I believed creatures lurked. I still remembered the exact same fear that I usually get every time I get to that incline.


The rocky road on our way to my grandparents was still the same old path. Until now they haven't fixed that path yet. It's still soiled so when it rains, you wouldn't want to walk there because it would turn from a dry land to a muddy pool. 


And then there we arrived. 


It was completely different when my grandparents weren't there. They reconstructed the house and built additional walls that separate two families living together. I used to sit beside my grandma every time we visit there, I'd pay respect to my aunts and uncles but I'd always prefer to sit beside my loving grandma and chat with her.


I'd usually ask her if she already ate or how she was doing. I'd look at her face and see how time had changed her(physically). However, she has not changed a bit with the way she treated me and the other people around her. She was still the same old grandma that I'd always find comfort with. The same kind, caring, calm and loving grandma.

You see, my grandma raised me in the absence of my mom. I remember when I was in 1st grade, she would fetch me to school. After class, I'd always see her waiting for me. We would go to the wet market and eat but I was always wondering why was I the only one eating. She would just watch me eat. I wanted to share my food so bad but I knew she would refuse. Or sometimes we would go home and she'd prepare food for me. I appreciated that so much but I didn't get the chance to tell her that. 


Every time I'd get scolded by my aunt or dad or my grandpa she would be there to make me understand why. She'd wipe my tears with her "daster" and would do her best to make me stop crying. Every time, we'd go to sleep at night, my grandpa didn't want to turn on the fan because they were trying to save electricity so when I'd feel hot, grandma would get a cardboard, a newspaper or anything she could use to make me feel cool.Sometimes, she would sing a lullaby to put me down to sleep. She had this calming and relaxing tone. I'd always feel like I was in heaven being serenaded by an angel.


She'd help me get ready for school. She'd wake up early to prepare my breakfast. There would be times when she'd prepare a pack lunch for me. My favorite was pandesal and fried hotdogs. Every day she would do that for me. I didn't hear any complaints from her. I remember images in my mind that she'd kiss me on the cheeks for no reason and it always made me happy. I knew that my grandma loved very much and has always appreciated my presence. I also remember images of me hugging her so tight. I still remember her scent. The scent of her "daster".


Now, the place changed since she passed away. The bed where she used to lie on was no longer there. I wanted to sit beside her but I knew I could no longer do that. She's in a better place and wherever that place is, I know she's happy.


I think the biggest mistake I have ever done was not being there when she passed away. I was at work. It was difficult to get absent and to be honest, I didn't really think about her that much. 


Today, when I went back to the only place where memories of my grandma and I together lie, I felt the guilt. It's killing me now thinking about it. I feel like I am the worst grandson ever to have existed in this world. I was raised and loved by her but I didn't show myself up during the last minutes of her life. I didn't show up in her funeral. She wasn't able to see me for the very last time.


I wasn't able to say how much I love her so much.


I wasn't able to say how much I appreciate her sacrifices and everything that she has done for me.


I wasn't able to say that she is a part of the reason why I am what I am now.

I guess, you would never know that it's too late when it already is.


I miss you lola and I love you very much.

What is LOVE looking through my eyes???

"Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail. Love is eternal.

                       -1 Corinthians 13:4-8

The very first golden lesson I got from love is to strengthen my patience and maintain its longevity.

This may sound embarrassing on my part but I'll just say it anyway.

I have never really fallen in love to someone so deeply. I got myself into a few and short relationships however most of them were just for the sake of experiencing how it feels like to be in a relationship but it was never real as far as TRUE LOVE is concerned.

I get goosebumps every time I hear or write the words TRUE LOVE. I don't know, it just feels so unreachable and unattainable and is more likely to happen only in movies and fairy tales. Is there really such a thing as true love? (...goosebumps....)

Am I asking this question only because I have not found it myself? A lot of people who can say they met the right person can answer the question inhabiting the corner of my mind for years since the word love has introduced itself to me.

I may hear answers from other people but it would just be words and words can't make me feel what love is.

But if you ask me the question, I won't have a clear answer to that.

Maybe, I will just stare you in the eyes or wear a face expressing the words, "IM CLUELESS".

However, I am not saying that I have already given up on love. I still have this tiny little flame in me that is ready to be ignited once love lands into my life.

Love is teaching me to be patient. To be patient enough to wait for the right person to knock on my door.

Ok, maybe there's this person in high school whom I didn't notice. We were close friends. We used to laugh together. Laughs at my corny jokes. I like the way this person laughs. It's filled with true happiness. I felt at that time was more of a competition than an attraction because this person's so focused in school (this person's really good in math) and so was I at that time.

We separated sections in high school and from then on, never spoke with each other even during high school graduation. I didn't really care because I did't feel anything at all that time and I was so focused on my future.

I never felt this before but we met again just a few days ago and that's when I felt a flow of energy coming from within me.

Something I never felt before. It's strange.

I didn't get it at all and I was completely clueless of what was going through my head.

I tried brushing it off my shoulder and realized its no longer in my shoulder but it has already found its place inside me.

Realization hit me that if this type of energy gets into your veins, it will be impossible to manually get it out.

You will have to deal with whatever feeling it creates.

The tiny little flame grew as big as the light of a candle until now as I write these words.

I guess this is where my patience will be tested. If things are meant to happen, it will happen.

What I am scared of occurring is the possibility of pain and rejection. If what I felt is true love then should I call it true if all I get in the end is pain and suffering?

It says love never gives up but if what you got from the person you love is a big "NO", "EEEEW", "I DONT LIKE YOU", "THIS IS NOT RIGHT", "YOU ARE NOT MY TYPE" or whatever they say to reject someone who is only expressing what they feel, should you let go or still pursue???

I still have lots of questions in my head and I guess I will soon figure things out as I live my life.

I just wanted to express these feelings that have been haunting my sleep every morning.

PS: You may be reading this article dedicated for you. You may think that liking you is NOT RIGHT but that's what I truly feel for you. I can't tell my heart what to feel and what not to feel. 

I hope you still remember when we used to laugh together. I forgot the things we laugh about but the images of your smile and your laughter is still very clear to me.

I remember the sparkle in your eyes every time you look at me.

At some point I felt like you were competing with me every time we're in school. Especially if its Math.

Now, you are very good at taking good care of your physical self. It was obvious when we met just days ago. I am so proud of you.

In fact, you are my inspiration in my goal of losing weight. You have inspired me a lot, I just want to let you know that.

I don't want to be negative but I know I am not the type of person you are looking for so I guess that's the reason why I don't have the courage to tell you what I felt the last time we saw each other.

This feeling may remain a secret forever and soon be buried in the past but I guess what matters most is I was able to express what I feel for you through this article.

I will always be here for you no matter what.

See you soon.

Erwin Morillo

A blindfolded life

     I've seen and met people who never in their lives saw light. Having to actually meet them makes me wonder how it feels like to fill in their shoes and live my life seeing nothing but an empty space. I tried  to imagine myself not having the gift of eyesight and doing so gives me scares. It's the last thing that I want to happen in my life. However, if I was really blind for the rest of my life then I would definitely miss seeing a lot of things. First, I would miss my loved one's faces. I will no longer see their smile if I crack a joke. I will no longer see them put their happy faces on everytime we watch funny shows on tv and I will no longer have the ability to look to their eyes and find their true feelings inside. Second of all, I would miss watching tv. Television has always been a very good friend of mine. It shows me MTV if I feel like watching music videos. It offers me TV Patrol if I want to see reality or if I simply want to get a good laugh then it lets me see Homer Simpson on its screen. Being blind for the rest of my life takes away my choice of entertainment.

     I would also miss reading books. Reading for me is like having tv in my head. I get to create the actions and characters in my mind and set them to motions. Perhaps, my personal computer at home would be as useless as a rock on the ground since I'm the only one who uses it other than my dad who turns on the PC only to check his email. Going outdoors would be something that I'll be least interested of doing. What is there to appreciate outside if you were blind. There's nothing to see, nothing to appreciate, not even a tiny speck of dust. I would miss the simplest of things around me. Our two dogs, who always greet me by barking up at me. I would even miss the things that I don't pay attention to when I can still see like the faces of our not-so-friendly neighbors.

     In a nutshell, being blind is like cutting half of your chances to live the life you want to be. Cutting half of your dreams and goals and worst cutting half of your desire to be happy.

SPEAKING IN BEHALF OF THE SILENCED

A post I should've written a long time ago.

It has been believed by a lot, that a person has the right to say whatever he feels towards someone or something. Because of this given right, we learned to judge the people around us.

We judge the person sitting right next to us on a bus. We judge that lady in our neighborhood who lives alone in her house for years. We judge the people we see on TV and we tell them how they should live their lives, how skinny they should be for you to complement them with the word "beautiful". We judge someone by simply liking something that most members of the society don't like. We judge someone by where he comes from or by the color of his skin. We mostly judge people even if we hardly know them. We judge them by what our eyes see but we know to ourselves that our eyes can't see through the life of a person.

Yeah I know, this has been an issue for so long and you think that nothing can end the issue by simply writing a post such as this.

I will no longer remind you that judging a person positively or negatively is bad. Actually, you can judge me right now and tell me how sick and stupid this post is, that is if you want to. Yes, you've read that right, you don't have to go back to that part again.

Because I'm sure of one thing, I have done something great for myself and for others because I was able to speak in behalf of those people who still haven't gotten the voice to speak out. I was brave enough to be honest and loud and I know that nobody even gives their time to read any of my posts right now but I believe that I have written something that others will come across someday. Maybe not now, not tomorrow or the day after tomorrow but in the right time, I know it will happen.

I've been brutally judged by people because my country has been judged also.

People have layed all the offensive jokes they can say and I hope they received something beneficial out of that ruthless act.

I just don't get it, really. Someone would cross the line to get what?? Fame??? Money??? happiness??? a good laugh??? what???

I remember this stand up comedian being interviewed in an entertainment news show. He was asked if Conan O' Brian had crossed the line of making fun of this celebrity having weight issues. He was on the side of his co-comedian. He was asking what else can he do if that person was giving him something to make a joke about. He emphasized his job being a comedian and he had nothing else to do but make jokes out of people regardless of how hurtful it may turn out to the person he is pertaining to. Well, is he saying that when someone offers you a box of pizza and it just so happen that it's your favorite, you have no choice but to say "YES!"???? We're very much aware that we can always say no to any offer. It always depends on how we make our decision.

I have an answer for that "What else can I do???" question. Well, I tell you what you can do, you can hold your tongue back and find something else to joke about without hurting somebody else's feelings and since you are a very talented comedian you can still make jokes and make people laugh without crossing the line. I believe through that, your audience will increase in number and will be looking forward to your future antics.

Whew!My goodness, finally got that rock out of my lungs. It was making my breathing hard.

Into a conversation

  I just received a text from a friend. I’m not sure who he is but at this point I guess his name doesn't matter. He texted me about a conversation happened between Santa Claus and Jesus. Of course, I know that this conversation never really happened in real life. Someone just thought of making this up to convey a message like any other quotes we receive from a friend, trying to boost our confidence to live our life to the fullest, reminding us to live a positive life. However, its not like any other messages we receive from day to day. It's more than living life in the right way we can. This time it's not about us. 

 Santa greeted Jesus a happy birthday. Despite the happy greeting he received, Jesus replied a sad thank you with a sad smile along with it. Santa asked why, probably wondering Jesus's feeling despite a very important occasion. Jesus replied, “Coz everytime I celebrate my birthday, people would always look forward to you”.

 Yeah, this conversation never happened before and yeah! someone made the plot of the story and made sure it would fit the message he wanted to convey. It's a piece of cake to make stories such as this but the truth is, what Jesus replied back to Santa Claus happens in reality and it happens everytime. From all over the world people think that CHRISTMAS is all about Santa coming down from the chimney, finish off the cookie and milk on the table and leave a gift behind as he goes back up to the roof, take off and proceed to another house and do the same processs over and over again.

 Sadly, the true meaning of christmas is ignored. For the nth time, its our Savior Jesus Christ started this world-wide celebration in the first place. I hope, we all realize that.

Try to be a little kinder

"Kindness is treating others the way God treats you"

   Perhaps, a number of writers and speakers have already went through this particular instance where they considered explaining what kindness is. Even the people closest to us may have told us about how important it is to be kind to other people either to a member of a family, a friend or a stranger. Apparently, I'm adding this article to the chain that's been circling around the world telling people about kindness. And so I really found it hard to find a different approach in covering this matter in order for me to augment the significance of kindness to a person's living.

   Technically, being kind means "of a good or benevolent nature or disposition, as a person". However, this definition only stands with itself because people of today are holding to thoughtlessness and selfish indifference. Brought by modernization, we have been taught indirectly to put ourselves first before others and we would always reason out "survival" everytime we get to be reminded of helping others. Personally, being kind is not just about giving something up for someone. Kindness is also understanding, sensitivity and free of judging. As much as it may sound cliche but being kind can really save the world like the one did by our Savior Jesus Christ when he sacrificed himself for the salvation of man. It awakened us from our nightmare and opened our eyes to God's unconditional love.

   Everyday we wake up and realized it's another day. Another day means another life to live and another chance to live our best. We go through the day with guidance even if we don't see it or feel it. We go to work or school with strength even if sometimes we feel lazy or sick. We get another chance to socialize, be with friends and do things like humans should do. These are the everyday blessings that most of the time we forget to count at the end of the day but then God continues to shower us with blessings even if we tend to be forgetful. It's his kindness that he's showing us.

   I'm only trying to say is try to be a little kinder.

-Titus 3:4

"The kindnesss and the love of God our Savior toward man appeared."

The everyday battle

"God will give us the victory, but we must be willing to fight"

...cheating...

...lying...

...judging...

...discriminating...

...insulting...

   I might sound a hypocrite if I say I haven't done a few of what's written above but as much as I want to get myself away from committing these misdeeds I find it hard to go against what I feel like I should do. Sometimes because I usually put my personal interest in the front line before anything else, I tend to make actions and then think about what I've done instead of thinking first before I make an action. Just part of an inner conflict that we face every single day.

   Yes or No??? A question that never sounded unfamiliar to anyone. Two answers that can make a better or worse decision in our life. I have made wrong and right decisions in life and I could never be proud of the wrong ones but I know for sure that I've learned something from how I make my decisions. God knows that we face this inner battle everyday, we decide whether to pray or not, to go to church today or just go next week, judge someone by how they look or just shut your mouth, answer back to your parents or hold back and myriad of options laid in front of us and he's also aware of how hard it is to yes when your nature tells you to say no or say no when your nature tells you to say yes.

   At the end of the day, we know to ourselves what right path to take, it just needs a little thinking and a little faith. We are surely to committ mistakes as we go along our way but if we are willing to improve our lives the best way can then nothing or no one can ever stop us from doing what we know is right and doing what is right is the best decision a man could ever make.

Where else can we find the light?

 "To lead others out of the darkness, let them see your light."

-Our daily bread

     I think most of us have been asking ourselves if the world we're living in still have a chance of renewing itself into a place we're dreaming it to become. Probably others have already stopped asking questions about hope and peace. I just feel like, nowadays people have found new things to focus on other than something they're not sure they can achieve. Modernization have molded our minds and changed what we think and how we look at life. We no longer keep ourselves aware of what we can do as an individual for the world rather we keep ourselves updated of the must-haves the material world can give. We choose to go to the path where we can see clearly where we're going instead of the path where its covered with darkness, we call it "practicality" but is it through practicality that we learned how to be strong as a person? Is it through practicality that we learned how to be self-less? Is it through practicality that we learned how to understand others?

     Given all the tragic happenings from different places, poverty, crimes and corruption that slowly eats our hope of having a better place to live, there seems no hope to appear so we'd rather live the way this modern time tell us to live and we do nothing but complain about what we don't like to happen and demand for something we want. Others continue to search to find their happiness and peace and dream to just be away from everything.

     However, we should ask ourselves where else can we find the light we used to look for but here and only here in the place we're standing on. The face of the world has totally changed through the actions and decisions we made ourselves but its also through our actions that we can change it back to what it should've been. The piece of light is within us. If we could just lit that light again then we can show it to others and show them that it's not over yet till its over. Everything good that happens starts with someone. So start now and act. Even the simplest of actions can light up someone.

"You are the light of the world"

Matthew 5:14