Thursday, March 28, 2013

I was a clown

"So I'll be your clown, behind the glass  Go ahead and laugh cause it's funny  I would too if I saw me
  I'll be your clown   on your favorite channel  My life's a circus-circus  rounding circles  I'm selling out tonight" 
                                            - Emeli Sande

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     A few hours had already passed and I got exhausted scouring the corners of my mind trying to get rid of anything that's preventing me from thinking straight. For some reason, I just couldn't find an inspiration to write. You see, I wanted to write a comeback-post. If you would notice, it's been a while since I wrote about something and to tell you the truth, blogging is one of the few things that keep me away from rotting in boredom. Besides, it's the perfect time to get back to blogging. Second semester's finally over and summer has already made it's presence felt. Then, just when I was about to give up thinking, I remembered the song "Clown" by Emeli Sande that was playing on TV a couple of days ago. 
     It is a black and white music video that has such a bleak and depressing look to it. After hearing the song, I immediately watched the video again on YouTube and found out what the song really means. Straight from Emeli Sande, the song means that we should not allow people to judge us and we should not allow anyone to treat us like we're idiots.
     I was a clown before. I was a clown without even trying hard to be one. I was a clown even if I didn't want to be one. Growing up, I must say that I wasn't raised in an environment where people liked me for who I am. I didn't grow up with rich parents. I didn't go to an expensive school. I didn't have all the fancy toys I desperately longed to have as a kid. Once, my family moved from one place to another which I thought would make things better but it was otherwise. People became worse than ever. From the way they darted their eyes on us, I knew we were being judged. Sometimes, I felt like they were disgusted just by going near us. I was humiliated deep within. I wished I could fly away and find no reasons to come back. However, it was reality that always knocked me down to the ground. 
     As much as I wanted to protect myself and my family, I couldn't. I shouldn't because I knew I wasn't in my place to do so. One wrong move and we would find ourselves living in the gutter. So I let the name-callings roll by like they were complements. I let the puppet strings control me and didn't bother to put the clown mask off. I allowed them to treat us like we're idiots, like we're clowns. There were nights that I would stare up in the starry sky and wish I was rich just so the people we were living with would stop all the fighting and name-calling. The next day, I would wake up with things getting worse. In the middle of this war, I would ask myself when would all this end? When would people be nice to each other? but I never got the answer I wanted. However, I continued to live my life the way I should.
     However, if I didn't go through such a hellish ordeal then I wouldn't know how to remove the clown mask off my face. Now I know that there is always time for redemption. There are ways to save yourself from drowning in the river where people threw you into. I guess what I am just trying to say is that people can hurt you. People can call you whatever names they want to call you but what people say about you doesn't matter.  What you think of yourself is what can get you far. What you decide to be for yourself is what will save you from drowning. I am just glad that I had high-tolerance to insults and mindless intimidation or I would still be crying until now. 
     What I did to survive in an environment filled with mean and difficult people? It took a lot of getting-used-to but all I did was simply ignore. I ignored all the negative things, I focused on my studies, I focused on having fun without disturbing anyone's peace. Somehow, I managed to adapt myself in the environment but of course there were moments when I was already getting sick of all the crazy antics going on. Despite of it, I endured.
     In a nutshell, what I am trying to send across is that don't allow people to make you a clown and force you to do stuff that makes you feel bad about yourself. Always know your place before you make a stand. If you know you're not in your place then you better shut your mouth because you don't want to be like them. Just give your very best to ignore them and focus on the most important things in your life. Life is too short for you to waste your energy on people who do nothing but judge other people.