An essay about failure

"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure...than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat."  -Theodore Roosevelt

I've always known how competitions work, that sometimes I win and other times I lose. Nevertheless, I guess, it isn't enough to simply know what something means. Most of the time, you also need to have a profound understanding of what that something feels like and how you should cope with whatever that something brings. When I was in high school, I've always been at the bottom of the wheel and whenever I was near the peak, I would slide and plummet back down to the same desolating place where I was. I remember winning a couple of competitions, one is a debate competition and another is an essay writing competition, but second best was the highest I could ever be. Whenever I tried to go farther than that, I always failed. Whether it was a writing or a speaking competition, for some reason, I couldn't make my way on top. After realizing that I had become so sore about losing, I completely dropped my drive and lowered my goals. I lowered them down into what I thought was realistic and attainable. Being third or being second was already good enough for me and being first had turned to be an impossibility. In other words, I thought I wasn't good enough to do great things. With that in mind, I decided to dream small because I thought I was small. I thought that this big world that I live in had no place for a mediocre guy like me.

After graduating from high school, I've grown to believe that failing had made me numb. I was convinced, based on the numerous failures that I had been through in high school that there would be no failure that could make me shed another tear. I was ready to face the bigger world, I managed to utter in my mind while I tried to prepare myself for college. When I stepped into a known state university, I joined another debate competition and as normal as the sun rises and sets, I had once again found myself sprawling on the ground. It was nothing to me though. It didn't mean anything to me anymore. I felt bad about losing again but it didn't take awhile before I was able to get over it. In other words, I didn't take losing seriously because I led myself to believe that losing was something that I was good at. It might sound to have no sense at all but I was sadly happy that I labelled myself to be a guy who grew up to be very good at losing.

Not until I transferred to another school and joined a competition called Tagisan ng Talino. This time, I joined an essay writing competition. I was all giddy and shaky while the champion was seconds away from being introduced. For the very first time since I lost my drive to win something big, I felt a sudden urge to win. I guess, I got tired of beating myself down. I got tired of always cleaning the dirt off myself that I got from the ground. I wanted to win so bad. I thought it would be good for the rebuilding of my confidence. Then all of sudden my name was called and I felt like a choir of angels descended from heaven and started singing for me and for my victory. For the very first time in my entire existence, my talent was recognized and that someone had seen something in what I wrote and had put me on top. It was a very nice feeling being up there and for a first-timer like me, I wanted to tie myself up and never let anything or anyone take my away from where I was at that time. My climb to the top was a continuous process until I reached the National level and was declared the champion. I was the National Champion in essay writing. After that win, I knew that God had saved that moment just for me. I understand now what all those failures meant. Those failures that I had to endure was a preparation for that grandest win. All those losing and crying paved way to the highest achievement I have gotten so far. 

Just last night, the same competition came around. I wanted to defend my school's title. I wanted to win again so bad. There were a lot of people counting on me. They added to the pressure that I was carrying all throughout the competition but despite of it all, no pressure stopped me from going far and beyond. However, after all that's been said and done, once again, I found myself on the ground. From being tied up on top, I was back to the place where I lost all my confidence in myself. After losing the title and knowing that I will not be able to compete in the next level of the competition, everybody kept saying that it was alright, but nobody knew how desperately I wanted to win. It was very important for me to keep the title because I was still in the process of rebuilding my confidence and for that failure to come in so swiftly was heart-breaking. After congratulating everybody and telling them that I was fine. For the very first time, I cried. There's nothing in my history of losing that I cried once but I felt devastated that caused me to get rid of some tears that had been kept all my life because of losing. 

After the most difficult night of my life, I woke up with a sense of change. I felt like I knew a part of me that I never knew before. I thought I was going to go back to that depressing place where I would tend to underestimate myself. I woke up and have finally gotten over everything that happened last night. I guess, I am a brand new me  now with a new and profound understanding of failure and of myself. Last night, I learned that winning isn't everything and failing isn't my life's ending.

The most important thing that counts, whether you win or you lose is the experience that you gained along the way and the lessons you learned from the journey.

Mr. Migz asked me yesterday, "What will happen if you win?" and I answered him, "I'll be the happiest man on earth." and then he asked me another question, "What will happen if you lose?", and I said, "Then I'll be the saddest man on earth.".

I was wrong Mr. Migz when I said that I will be the saddest man on earth when I lose. I just realized that a man who loses in a competition, will be a stronger and wiser man in the long run.

Photo from: unsoundtransient of www.flickr.com

When a stranger speaks

realityinfringement.wordpress.com

       It was an ordinary day. The sun was slowly creeping behind the horizon and the morning air was wearing the same old scent, reminding me of a brand new journey waiting ahead. As much as I wanted to jumpstart my day with positive thoughts, I couldn't stop myself from thinking too much about a particular class I had to attend to that day. I was excited but nervous at the same time. All I could think of was that class. Worst case scenarios kept playing in and out of my head that I couldn't manage to control. Alicia Keys’ Not Even the King is playing in my IPod. I tried to enjoy the emptiness in the tricycle that I was in, before I get squeezed by another passenger who has bigger thighs than mine. Before I knew it, passengers began to come and started to fill up the empty seats of the tricycle. From a not so far distance, I saw a guy walking towards the tricycle and took the vacant seat in front. The tricycle we have in our place can carry six to seven people excluding the driver. Two to three can fit in front, two at the back and another two behind the driver’s seat. The other spaces were already occupied except that one remaining seat in front and so the guy took that seat beside me. He was an ordinary guy, wearing a white printed shirt with black pants. He’s probably around his 30s based on the wrinkles on his face. The tricycle sped away from the terminal and the cold breeze of the wind brushed against my face. It made me sleepy but the worries of the day kept me awake. In the middle of a 15 minute travel, he gave me a magazine-like reading material, the title went something like ‘Kapag Namatay ang Iyong Minamahal’ (‘When a loved one passed away’).

            For the next few minutes of that unforeseen encounter with a stranger, all I thought about the situation was odd. A stranger suddenly striking up a conversation with me and handing me a magazine talking about how people should cope with loss and all that stuff, everything seemed so creepy to me. I mean, I don’t see nothing wrong talking to someone you don’t know, for as long as nothing happens that go beyond your comfort zone. I guess I’m just not used to strangers talking to me and discussing about profound things in life. I wouldn't have felt uncomfortable if he asked about the weather, how the Kardashians are keeping up with their own life or how many more territories can China claim. We would've talked endlessly. His name is Wilson by the way. After introducing himself and the magazine to me, he followed it up with a talk about God and how things seen by the naked eye can disappear with a simple snap of a finger by God. He made a speech about how people should not keep treasures here on earth and start living in the name of God. He talked about why he didn't believe the Mayans’ predictions about the end of the world and he believes in what is written in the Bible about how the world will really end. I was already aware of some of the things he said and so I would occasionally nod every time something sounded familiar just to show him that I was paying attention. I took my earphones off my ears and let the music play without turning it off. Even if I wanted to turn it off, I couldn’t reach in my pocket. He was a big guy and he was unintentionally pushing me against the side of the tricycle. I had some questions in mind that I wanted to ask him but just as I thought it was my turn to speak, we just reached our destination. He quickly said goodbye and reminded me to read the magazine he gave me. I said goodbye and walked away briskly. I took a look at the cover of the magazine one more time while walking without actually looking where I was going and suddenly developed an interest about its contents. I held it until I got on the bus and began reading.

            

           I really don’t think about death that much or at least I don’t prefer to talk about it. Probably because I’m still scared of the fact that your life can be put to a permanent halt, leaving you clueless of what could be the next chapter, or it makes you wonder if there is even a next chapter if your time on earth has come. I guess, instead of thinking about the possibilities of what could be on the other side of life, I just try to live each and every day while being grateful of the air I breathe, the things I see, the emotions I feel, the challenges I face and the life that I get to live. Whenever we open our eyes to a new day, normally, what we would think about first are the mundane things we need to do and sometimes we get stuck by all this earthly activities that we tend to forget what it really means to live. With that note, I do believe that no matter how odd some parts of our life could be, we just need to look at them in a different way, in a way that could positively affect our outlook in life. Through that I guess, it would serve as a wake-up call and remind us about what it really means to live the life that we have. Having said that, I also believe in one of the most famous sayings that everything happens for a reason and meeting that Wilson guy wasn't a coincidence but a plan of God who simply wanted to remind me about life and how I should live it.