“It’s been awhile, I’m not who I was before
You look surprised. Your words don’t burn me anymore
I’ve been meaning to tell you but I guess it’s clear to see
Don’t be mad, it’s just a brand new kind of me.
Can’t be bad, I found a brand new kind of free.”
– Brand new me, Alicia Keys
Last year, when some of us settled to believe that Mayans’ had cracked the code to the final days of the earth while others would rather go through the motions of life as if they had a million years permanently planted ahead of them, I trapped myself in a bully kind of life. A kind of life that, for some reason, managed to dictate the flow of some important decisions I had to make. Perhaps because I wasn't really paying attention to the important things in my life and like some other people, I was just going with the flow which I realized is a bad thing primarily because if the flow leads to a pile of trash and dung, you wouldn't know until a swarm of flies comes out from nowhere and starts to attack you. Basically, I was just letting days pass by without caring to look back and ask myself if I lived that day or if I just simply existed.
Take this for example, whenever I woke up in the morning to prepare myself for school, I never really attempted to fix my bed. I didn't care to look at it even for one second and it might sound a bit exaggerating but honestly speaking, during the year 2012, that year alone, I never, even once, fixed my own bed. Yes, it’s a humiliating confession. I was a 21 year old flabby guy who lets his Mom does his bed fixing duties for him. Well, I have to be honest. I believe that honesty to one’s self is next to an endless freedom. Do I sound like I am sharing a newly-found wisdom or am I secretly covering up an embarrassing fact that I just mentioned about me? Anyway, yes you read that right, it was my Mom who would always dared to get into the battlefield, which was my room, and fix my bed for me.
Another example of my mindless way of living last year, I've always told my friends that writing/blogging is my passion, it’s my life and it’s the oxygen that I inhale but how often did I update my blog? I've always said that I love reading but saving up money to buy even a second-hand book didn't cross my mind and even if it did, the money saved up might have been spent for something else. I've always tried losing weight but I would only last for five days. I would find myself back in the dump of food where the last time I found myself, eating uncontrollably.
Most of the time, I came late in school which wasn't a habit of mine before, but for some reason I couldn't point, I always found it difficult to rise, shine and shake off bed dusts early in the morning. Maybe I should blame late night tennis tournaments and Saturday Night Live Replays or should I just blame myself for making such unwise decisions? The phrase ‘stupid decisions’ rushed in first because I thought that it’s a perfect description about how badly I weigh the options that could either help me in making decisions or break me into pieces the next day. I also thought it would sound too harsh so I used the word ‘unwise’ instead.
I have a long list of confessions to make but the whole point of this post is to give myself a big and hard slap in the face to make me realize that I lived in a box of mediocrity last year. I lived as if I had a million years instead of living each day as if it was my last. Now, things are about to change (desperately hoping here). This is a brand new year, brand new challenges, brand new reasons to be happy and hopefully a brand new me.
|photo from: dreamsyoudaretodream.wordpress.com|