I hope for a brand new me

“It’s been awhile, I’m not who I was before

You look surprised. Your words don’t burn me anymore

I’ve been meaning to tell you but I guess it’s clear to see

Don’t be mad, it’s just a brand new kind of me.

Can’t be bad, I found a brand new kind of free.”

– Brand new me, Alicia Keys

     Last year, when some of us settled to believe that Mayans’ had cracked the code to the final days of the earth while others would rather go through the motions of life as if they had a million years permanently planted ahead of them, I trapped myself in a bully kind of life. A kind of life that, for some reason, managed to dictate the flow of some important decisions I had to make. Perhaps because I wasn't really paying attention to the important things in my life and like some other people, I was just going with the flow which I realized is a bad thing primarily because if the flow leads to a pile of trash and dung, you wouldn't know until a swarm of flies comes out from nowhere and starts to attack you. Basically, I was just letting days pass by without caring to look back and ask myself if I lived that day or if I just simply existed.

     Take this for example, whenever I woke up in the morning to prepare myself for school, I never really attempted to fix my bed. I didn't care to look at it even for one second and it might sound a bit exaggerating but honestly speaking, during the year 2012, that year alone, I never, even once, fixed my own bed. Yes, it’s a humiliating confession. I was a 21 year old flabby guy who lets his Mom does his bed fixing duties for him. Well, I have to be honest. I believe that honesty to one’s self is next to an endless freedom. Do I sound like I am sharing a newly-found wisdom or am I secretly covering up an embarrassing fact that I just mentioned about me? Anyway, yes you read that right, it was my Mom who would always dared to get into the battlefield, which was my room, and fix my bed for me.

            

     Another example of my mindless way of living last year, I've always told my friends that writing/blogging is my passion, it’s my life and it’s the oxygen that I inhale but how often did I update my blog? I've always said that I love reading but saving up money to buy even a second-hand book didn't cross my mind and even if it did, the money saved up might have been spent for something else. I've always tried losing weight but I would only last for five days. I would find myself back in the dump of food where the last time I found myself, eating uncontrollably.

     Most of the time, I came late in school which wasn't a habit of mine before, but for some reason I couldn't point,  I always found  it difficult to rise, shine and shake off bed dusts early in the morning. Maybe I should blame late night tennis tournaments and Saturday Night Live Replays or should I just blame myself for making such unwise decisions? The phrase ‘stupid decisions’ rushed in first because I thought that it’s a perfect description about how badly I weigh the options that could either help me in making decisions or break me into pieces the next day. I also thought it would sound too harsh so I used the word ‘unwise’ instead.

     I have a long list of confessions to make but the whole point of this post is to give myself  a big and hard slap in the face to make me realize that I lived in a box of mediocrity last year. I lived as if I had a million years instead of living each day as if it was my last. Now, things are about to change (desperately hoping here). This is a brand new year, brand new challenges, brand new reasons to be happy and hopefully a brand new me.

photo from: dreamsyoudaretodream.wordpress.com

When loneliness calls

When loneliness calls, he realizes how empty and stark the sky can be, even with the clouds trying to be its company. At the back of his mind, he wonders if the puffy clouds are trying to befriend the sky or are they just simply passing by? He feels for the sky. Somehow he could relate to its utter desolation. The vacancy it offers is as vast as the distance between him and reality. That's what happens when loneliness calls. He tries to run away, away from the world that has spiraled him into misery. However, given all his effort and great hopes, he finds himself in the same dark spot. That same dark spot he found when his mom left him behind for work. He was six years old back then, naive, clueless and heartbroken. That same dark spot when people looked down at him with an intimidating and degrading stare, labeling him, Mr. No-Good. A blank look at the night sky craved for his tears. He raised his right hand and covered his eyes. He tried to hold his tears back only to realize his heart desperately longed to sob. 

When loneliness calls, he cries. Appointments and deadlines of tomorrow loses its significance.  The food sitting on the kitchen table and the running television are all left untouched, unnoticed. Mundane chats of his mom and dad, the heavy footsteps of his niece going up and down the stairs and the thundering laugh of his sister are usually a harmony of true joy but suddenly turns into a ball of nuisance. When loneliness calls, turning on the light in his room can't make the darkness disappear. No matter how hard he tries to get back up, for some reason, something keeps pounding him down. He wants to scream on top of his lungs hoping it would shake off even the tiniest hint of hope from his bedroom walls and rub on his slowly decaying optimism. He suddenly grabs his hair with both his hands and begins to pull with all his might. He's gasping for air while the pain from his mindless gesture starts to take a toll in his head. 

He carelessly drops his arms on his bed with an anticipation of a soft landing. With all the commotions inciting a riot at the back of his mind, he completely forgets that the edges of his bed are showing. The effect of his absent-mindedness caused his right hand to land on the side of his wooden bed. A curse to the air and an ear-thumping scream cuts the boundless rhythm of silence that seemed to take over the entirety of the night. A line of tears begin to trickle down his cheeks, curves to his neck and ends up drawing a circle on his bed sheet. He curls his body, wraps his arms around his legs and touches his knees with his forehead.  

At the end of that depressing ride, the voices in his head dies down. The tears that wet his cheeks dry out and the heaviness in his head retreats. He slowly opens his eyes and the rays of an awakened sun push through his window curtains. It's a new day he never imagined would uncover before him. From what he had been through that night, waking up in a different realm wouldn't be a surprise. He lays flat and tries to answer the trivia questions of his life. After doing so, he realizes that it's alright to feel lonely or sad sometimes. 

Finding yourself a million miles away from the world doesn't mean you can never get back. It doesn't mean that the world is already sick of your ways that it had to throw you away. Sometimes, being alone under the spotlight is actually an opportunity for you to evaluate your life and how far you have gotten since the last time you made a vow to yourself that you're going to go after your dreams no matter what. An evaluation of yourself would sometimes lead to opening up your regrets and disappointments and these would probably cause an incessant flow of tears. It would drive you crazy all night. However, the next day you wake up, you find the sun way up in the sky, scorching hot as it always does and a whole new adventure awaits the new YOU, the stronger and better YOU.