"Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail. Love is eternal.
-1 Corinthians 13:4-8
The very first golden lesson I got from love is to strengthen my patience and maintain its longevity.
This may sound embarrassing on my part but I'll just say it anyway.
I have never really fallen in love to someone so deeply. I got myself into a few and short relationships however most of them were just for the sake of experiencing how it feels like to be in a relationship but it was never real as far as TRUE LOVE is concerned.
I get goosebumps every time I hear or write the words TRUE LOVE. I don't know, it just feels so unreachable and unattainable and is more likely to happen only in movies and fairy tales. Is there really such a thing as true love? (...goosebumps....)
Am I asking this question only because I have not found it myself? A lot of people who can say they met the right person can answer the question inhabiting the corner of my mind for years since the word love has introduced itself to me.
I may hear answers from other people but it would just be words and words can't make me feel what love is.
But if you ask me the question, I won't have a clear answer to that.
Maybe, I will just stare you in the eyes or wear a face expressing the words, "IM CLUELESS".
However, I am not saying that I have already given up on love. I still have this tiny little flame in me that is ready to be ignited once love lands into my life.
Love is teaching me to be patient. To be patient enough to wait for the right person to knock on my door.
Ok, maybe there's this person in high school whom I didn't notice. We were close friends. We used to laugh together. Laughs at my corny jokes. I like the way this person laughs. It's filled with true happiness. I felt at that time was more of a competition than an attraction because this person's so focused in school (this person's really good in math) and so was I at that time.
We separated sections in high school and from then on, never spoke with each other even during high school graduation. I didn't really care because I did't feel anything at all that time and I was so focused on my future.
I never felt this before but we met again just a few days ago and that's when I felt a flow of energy coming from within me.
Something I never felt before. It's strange.
I didn't get it at all and I was completely clueless of what was going through my head.
I tried brushing it off my shoulder and realized its no longer in my shoulder but it has already found its place inside me.
Realization hit me that if this type of energy gets into your veins, it will be impossible to manually get it out.
You will have to deal with whatever feeling it creates.
The tiny little flame grew as big as the light of a candle until now as I write these words.
I guess this is where my patience will be tested. If things are meant to happen, it will happen.
What I am scared of occurring is the possibility of pain and rejection. If what I felt is true love then should I call it true if all I get in the end is pain and suffering?
It says love never gives up but if what you got from the person you love is a big "NO", "EEEEW", "I DONT LIKE YOU", "THIS IS NOT RIGHT", "YOU ARE NOT MY TYPE" or whatever they say to reject someone who is only expressing what they feel, should you let go or still pursue???
I still have lots of questions in my head and I guess I will soon figure things out as I live my life.
I just wanted to express these feelings that have been haunting my sleep every morning.
PS: You may be reading this article dedicated for you. You may think that liking you is NOT RIGHT but that's what I truly feel for you. I can't tell my heart what to feel and what not to feel.
I hope you still remember when we used to laugh together. I forgot the things we laugh about but the images of your smile and your laughter is still very clear to me.
I remember the sparkle in your eyes every time you look at me.
At some point I felt like you were competing with me every time we're in school. Especially if its Math.
Now, you are very good at taking good care of your physical self. It was obvious when we met just days ago. I am so proud of you.
In fact, you are my inspiration in my goal of losing weight. You have inspired me a lot, I just want to let you know that.
I don't want to be negative but I know I am not the type of person you are looking for so I guess that's the reason why I don't have the courage to tell you what I felt the last time we saw each other.
This feeling may remain a secret forever and soon be buried in the past but I guess what matters most is I was able to express what I feel for you through this article.
I will always be here for you no matter what.
See you soon.
Erwin Morillo
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